


Miracle

by Redbull_gave_me_wings



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Gen, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Song Lyrics, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:47:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21769357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redbull_gave_me_wings/pseuds/Redbull_gave_me_wings
Summary: Saying goodbye is never easy.
Relationships: Robert Lewandowski/Thomas Müller
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Miracle

**Author's Note:**

> Writing the summary was more difficult than the story wtf so I decided less is more. So suicide & depression are serious, and I can't be sure but I don't think it'll be a triggering story. There isn't anything extremely graphic, but that's according to me. Anyway, I don't want to ramble. Enjoy!

#####  _I won’t let you  
Let you give up on a miracle  
When it might save you  
_

The chilly mid-autumn evening slowly gave way to the sun rise. Thomas, from the depths of his blanket cocoon, sighed far deeper than anyone at twenty-two years old should be. He continued scrolling through his friends’ Instagram feeds. The most recent posts were of them in the graduation robes. He wanted to be there with them. He should be but, well, sometimes shit happens and before you know it, you’re twenty-two without a degree and bumming off of your mother.

“How did my gap year end up being a gap life?” he pressed the power button on his phone and rolled onto his back and studied the ceiling he’d been sleeping under since childhood. Where had it all gone wrong?

His phone buzzed beside him as the screen lit up. Against his better judgement, he unlocked his phone. Another picture from Manuel, except this one was sent to him. He, Jerome and Philipp were all smiles. The caption simply read: Made it through the night :).

They’d pulled the all-nighter after all, just like they had when they graduated high school together. He’d done it too, just under different circumstances. Usually he would sleep until mid-afternoon, and even then he’d only go use the bathroom and munch on a snack before falling back in bed. What a life. He couldn’t even keep a job, because apparently that requires being on time and oversleeping gets in the way of that. Thomas was making life difficult for his mother, he knew that. He knew that he made life difficult for everybody. He was always down in the dumps, an empty husk of the lively person he used to be. That was who everybody expected him to be, but it was a habit of his not to meet expectations anymore.

“Fuck it,” he said. He rolled with his blankets until his cocoon hit the floor. Reaching under his bed he retrieved the box containing his razors. He’d been contemplating this for a while and he just couldn’t anymore. All his friends were educated while he’d been lying around like a worm wasting oxygen. Really, he was just doing everyone a favour. He sat up, his blankets forming a nest around him. Slowly, he opened the box. Once, it held the items of Manuel and his time capsule. They had buried it in his backyard at ten years old, promising each other to unearth it again at twenty. Thomas did so, alone, and then threw all of the memories away a week later. Now, the only thing inside were his razors – so far unused.

With shaky hands, he reached for one of the blades. He felt along the sharp edge, wincing a little as it cut along his left index finger. Well, that would be nothing compared to what he would do next.

Then he heard quiet footsteps. He looked up sharply, expecting to see his mom in his room, but he would’ve heard his bedroom door open. Instead his eyes met those of a stranger. It was a man. He was deathly pale, but his skin seemed to glow contrasting sharply with his dark-as-sin suit. He wore a black trench coat too. His dark hair was styled without a single strand out of place and to top it all off, he had striking blue eyes. Thomas first thought was that he was simply too perfect to be real. His second thought came out of his mouth.

“What the fuck.”

A look of uncertainty crossed the man’s face and he opened his mouth a little before closing it again. His eyes swept over to Thomas’ bed and he seemed to make a decision before taking measured steps to sit at his desk chair instead, and okay, Thomas’ bed hadn’t been made in literally weeks but it wasn’t that messy.

Thomas’ eyes followed the man who simply looked straight back at him, “Uh…”

“You can continue,” he gestured to Thomas’ hands, shuffling around a bit in the chair.

“Are you comfortable now?”

“Well –”

“Because I’m not. Who are you? What are you doing here? What are you after? If its money, sorry this is the wrong household,” Thomas rolled his eyes and put the blade back in the box, “But now that I’ve seen your face I can’t be allowed to live, right?”

“I –”

“Wait, are you my mom’s new boyfriend or something? Jesus, my mom’s a cougar.”

The man blinked a few times, “No. I am a Guide. My job is to guide you from this life to the next. That’s why you should continue. You are close to death.”

There was a knock at Thomas’ door, stopping him from responding. “Thomas, I’m off to work, okay? I’ll see you later.”

It was 7:00am already? “Yeah. Bye, mom.”

“You’re awake?” she sounded surprised. Of course she did. Thomas never responded, beyond perhaps a grunt or two.

“Have a nice day,” he said and then mumbled, “though I’m sure you will since you had a nice night.”

The man definitely looked uncomfortable now and Thomas couldn’t help but feel a little satisfied. The smallest of smiles tugged at his mouth.

“You too, kiddo,” and Thomas heard his mother’s footsteps carry on down the hall.

“I have no relationship with your mother.”

Thomas snorted as he put the box back under his bed. “Sure you don’t –”

“What are you doing?” the man sounded a little startled now and Thomas looked back at him, a little in shock.

“I’m putting my razors away?” Thomas’ eyebrows climbed his forehead at the situation he found himself in.

“Why? You aren’t going to commit suicide anymore?”

“No, well, yes? I – why are you so invested in this? I mean, you can just go watch a horror movie if that’s what gets you off, man,” Thomas sat on his bed, across from the stranger.

“I already told you, I am a Guide. If you aren’t going to pass on, then I cannot do my job.”

“Your wish is my command. I’m not any happier now than I was ten minutes ago. And this way I can think of it as job creation,” a little self-deprecating laugh came from Thomas. Literally, everybody wanted him dead.

A silence passed in the room. The man looked from Thomas to the place where the box rested comfortably under his bed.

“Well, no, not like that. I thought about it and I’d just be putting my mom out even more. I mean, she’d come home after a long shift at work and find her son’s body all cut up. Not to mention the blood, ugh, no I couldn’t do that to her. I’ll find another way and you’ll still get to do your job. Problem solved,” Thomas clapped his hands. “Now leave. Please.”

The man looked like he wanted to say something but decided against it and left the room. Thomas stared after him as he just passed straight through the door.

“Ha! I’ve lost it.”

When Thomas looked out the window, he could see a clear sky but the clouds in the distance spoke of a chilly afternoon. Therefore he threw on what he hoped was a clean pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. He needed some space to think and obviously, some fresh air too. His sanity had clearly taken a nosedive into non-existence but life seemed to take pleasure in being a dick to him recently so what’s one more curveball? Even if that curveball happened to be Thomas’ definition of a wet dream on legs. But that’s not all folks; Mr Wet Dream was a _Guide_. Whatever that meant.

Thomas grabbed his phone as well as the last bit of spare change he had to his name and spared a thought towards freshening up, “Who cares? It’s my last day on earth.”

Walking outside of his room, he jumped nearly two feet in the air, “You’re _still_ here?”

From across the hall, stood Mr Wet Dream, studying the pictures from way back when Thomas knew how to smile and laugh freely. Before life happened.

“I cannot leave you until I’ve guided you to the afterlife.”

Thomas rolled his eyes, “Right, of course, you’re a Guide.”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

Mr Wet Dream followed him down the hall and out the front door. Thomas locked up and spent a second longer looking at the front door. Was he really going to say goodbye? It’s for the best.

“So, do you have a name?” he had decided to humour this guy because, why not? However, Mr Wet Dream, while appropriate, was bound to cause embarrassment. The last thing he needed was to accidentally call him that out loud.

The man, who had been walking a step behind him thus far, took a second longer than usual to respond, “You can call me Robert.”

“Robert,” he repeated, testing the name out. And it was weird but Thomas couldn’t help but think that the name fit his mother’s sugar baby.

“Yes?”

“No, I was just,” he waved his hand in a gesture that would somehow convey the words ‘just saying your name to hear how it sounds’.

Robert stared at him for a moment and his confusion was palpable. Yeah, he thought Thomas was an odd duck. Thomas had been hoping that it would be early enough that the neighbourhood would still be asleep but he’d forgotten about the active Janes and Johns who woke up at ungodly hours to exercise. One such neighbour was approaching them. Thomas shuffled over to give her space on the sidewalk but she didn’t move which was strange because Robert was right in front of her and they were going to _oh_ – she passed straight through Robert too. So that’s twice now.

“What’s the matter?” Robert asked when he noticed that Thomas had stopped walking, “Are you getting cold feet now – what are you doing?”

Robert seemed to have no idea how to react to Thomas poking his shoulder then his chest and then his face.

“I don’t pass through you. That woman did. And you walked through my bedroom door.”

“Your mother’s bedroom door. It’s her house.”

Thomas frowned, “Thank you for the reminder that I’ve accomplished nothing in life.”

It was Robert’s turn to frown, “I only meant that I can only phase though objects that have no relation to you. That’s why I could sit on your chair. It was bought specifically for you.”

“Oh. And that’s because I’m the person you’re supposed to Guide? We’re, like, connected until after I die?”

Robert nodded.

“Then I suppose you should know my name is Thomas.”

“Oh. Well that’s…nice.”

Thomas snorted and then continued following his feet to wherever they led him, “So if you’re stuck with me until then, I suppose you should know why. I’m twenty-two years old and my job is underachieving. I mean, I probably could’ve had a degree by now but I decided to take a gap year and then I just ever stopped taking another year off.”

There was more to it than that, of course. Thomas had a real lust for life, but when his father passed away, everything just seemed to turn sour. He didn’t realize how far into a shell he’d retreated until his friends stopped coming over after one too many times of him turning them away. Before he knew it, he’d done a stellar job of moulding himself to his bed and he realized he had nobody but his mother. He had nobody to blame for that except himself.

“What are we doing here?”

Thomas had been in his own world, randomly wandering around and he’d ended up at the park that made his childhood. He had fond sepia-tinted memories of playing football with all the other boys from school here. As soon as school was over, everyone would rush home to change and this was the meeting spot, homework be damned. Now, in autumn, the green was fading as the grass grew old and withered.

#####  _What you had and what you lost  
They’re all memories in the wind  
Those days go by  
_

“Thomas?”

“Yes?” He walked to where the centre circle would have been. Robert didn’t respond so all Thomas could hear was the whispering of the wind and the crunch of leaves under his feet. Mentally shrugging, he decided to just plop down on the grass, “We used to play here all the time. Have you played football before?”

Robert gave him a dry look from where he stood.

Thomas let out a soft huff that could be called a laugh in very loose terms and started picking at the dying grass blades, “Yeah, dumb question. It was fun though. Sit down, will you?”

Robert hesitated before doing so. He looked utterly ridiculous sitting amongst dying grass in his pristine suit.

Thomas couldn’t hold a laugh in, “You’ve never done anything like this, have you?”

“No. I have never met anyone like you before.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. I guess for me this is just part of saying goodbye. I have fond memories of this place.”

“Would you…like to talk about it?” the kind gesture sounded completely foreign coming from Robert’s mouth and Thomas got the feeling that the guide would feel better if the answer was no, but well, Thomas _would_ like to talk about. He’s spent five years not talking about it.

“My father passed away the year before I finished high school and I was sad, of course but I was in high school and I didn’t really have any time to, like, mourn. There was always some exam or some project that I had to think about. It was normal to mourn but I didn’t really get a chance to do that. And so then before I knew it, I graduated. And it seemed like everyone had gotten over it, but I still wasn’t. It was actually worse…it was like, I don’t know –”

“All the emotions you pushed to the back of your mind had built up over time. But everybody else had dealt with your father’s death, except you.”

“Yes! Exactly that. And I’d been acting normal all that time so it would just be like ‘Thomas, what the fuck, it’s been a year now, you’re supposed to be over that’, you know? So I didn’t say anything. I just thought, I’ll take a year off, no big deal, I’ll handle it on my own and well, look where that got me. That was stupid, right?”

“Yes, it was,” Robert agreed.

Thomas gasped, “What the heck, man? You’re supposed to say ‘No, Thomas, it makes sense why you felt that way’.”

“It does make sense why you felt that way, but that does not mean it was a good decision,” Robert shrugged, “Humans are social creatures, everybody says that, and people are bound to crumble when they try to take everything on alone. You should’ve confided in someone.”

Thomas mulled that over and rose to his feet, “Yeah, well, here we are. I suppose I should hurry up and die now.”

“Only if you want to,” Robert joined him on his feet then too.

“And what happens if I don’t want to?” By now, they were leaving the park, except this time Thomas knew his destination.

“Then I will disappear. I’ll go to the next person who is close to death.”

“Yeah about that, do you just suddenly appear where someone is about to die? Like, say, I’m driving and I’m going to crash and die, will you just suddenly be in the passenger seat? Won’t that be enough of a surprise for me to just swerve and crash?”

“Usually, Guides only appear when someone has already died but suicide cases are a little different. They don’t usually stop because they choose death.”

“I stopped though. Temporarily.”

“Yes, you did.”

***

As they walked, Thomas felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He went back and forth with the idea of ignoring it but he decided to check the notification out anyway. It was another text, from Manuel again. Just another message in a one-sided conversation of texts Thomas read late at night when he couldn’t fall asleep. He never responded. He pocketed his phone again and looked up.

“Oh, there it is. Come,” he hurried over to the queue.

“We’re stopping here?” asked Robert, looking uncertain.

“Yes,” as he replied, the two teenage girls in front of him turned around, “No, I’m not talking to you.”

They glanced at each other and looked around before one asked, “Then who are you talking to?”

Thomas couldn’t resist teasing and put his arm around Robert’s shoulders with a smile from ear to ear, “Robert, of course.”

The girls looked straight through Robert before glancing at Thomas again, dubious expressions on their faces. “Are you okay?”

He nodded, “For now.”

When he turned to Robert, he saw he was already looking towards Thomas. And, okay, were his eyes always so blue? They reminded Thomas of summer skies and they made him want to fly. What was he thinking of again? Re-catching his train of thought, he gave Robert an impish smile before retracting his arm.

“They think you’re crazy.”

“Let them,” Thomas waved his hand to show he didn’t care. And he didn’t. He was allowed to enjoy his last day, dammit. “What flavour of ice-cream do you think you’ll like?”

“You could’ve just pretended to talk into your cell phone,” Robert pointed out, still eyeing Thomas.

“That’s actually a good idea except I don’t _care_ , Robert. I’ll be gone soon. Now, hurry, we’re nearly at the front of the queue.”

Thomas turned Robert's face towards the menu and squished his cheeks until he looked like a fish.

“Thomash, shtop that,” Robert scolded but his heart clearly wasn’t in it. Thomas chuckled before letting go. “Anyway, I can’t eat. You should know that.”

Thomas tsked, “You have to think outside the box, Robert.”

It was his turn now and Thomas just ordered his favourite flavour. He ordered it in a cone instead of a cup because one, it was cheaper and two, he really wanted to watch Robert lick ice-cream. Sue him.

He paid the server, thanked her and moved away. “Here.”

Robert just looked at the cone then back to Thomas.

“What?” Thomas asked, “I bought this with my own money. It’s mine so you can also have it, right? Like my desk chair?”

Robert looked stunned for a second as the words registered. “Are you –?”

Thomas practically shoved the cone at him. “It’s triple chocolate. You know you want to.”

Robert’s face took on a pink tint as his tongue poked out to take a taste. Thomas felt his breath leave him as he stared at Robert as he rolled his tongue around his mouth, testing out the flavour. He seemed to like it because he went in again, taking a little bite this time. When Robert looked up and saw Thomas staring, he misinterpreted the look.

“Sorry, I’ve never eaten anything before and it tastes good,” he looked down with a small smile of embarrassment and Thomas felt like his cheekbones deserved their own area code.

Thomas swallowed and croaked out a response, “Don’t apologize.”

“I don’t want to finish it though. You have some too,” Robert pushed the cone back towards Thomas.

Would it be too suspicious if Thomas ate from the same spot? Yes, he decided and tried to look as nonchalant as possible as he had some of the ice-cream. What the fuck is my life, he thought, getting turned on by watching a spirit Guide eat ice-cream.

They ambled slowly towards the train station, sharing the ice-cream in silence. Thomas was certain if he felt his face, he would get third degree burns on his hands. He found himself wishing he had more money to buy them more food to share, strawberries maybe. Thomas would love to see Robert eat strawberries.

“It’s finished,” Robert sounded disappointed too.

“What?” Thomas came back down to earth and noticed that the ice-cream was indeed finished but he couldn’t find it in himself to be upset that Robert had eaten most of it, “Oh, no, you can eat the cone. It’s edible.”

Robert’s eyes widened and he leaned towards the cone, looking back at Thomas doubtfully before taking a small bite. “It’s sweet.”

“Yeah, you can –” Thomas cleared his throat, “You can eat it all.”

***

“The train station?”

“Well, yeah, I’m still close to death, right?”

“Oh. Yes. You’re going to…this is how you’re going to…?”

“Die? Yes. It’ll be quicker, won’t it? No clean-up for my mom and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

Robert nodded and he seemed to pick out his next words carefully, “When does the next train arrive?”

“Huh? Oh right, I forgot they have schedules,” Thomas rubbed the back of his head, “It looks like the next one is in two and a half hours at noon. Looks like we’ve got time to kill.”

Thomas led Robert to one of the benches outside the station. He didn’t want to spend his last moments cooped up. Before today, he hadn’t been outside what seemed like forever and Thomas had forgotten what that felt like, what fresh air smelt like. It was refreshing.

“I can’t sit on this.”

“It’s public property and I’m the public. It should be allowed,” despite his words Thomas just sat on the floor beside the bench and patted the space next to him.

Once again, Robert looked unnatural sitting on the ground. Honestly though, he looked too polished for most things. Except ice-cream, Thomas thought, ice-cream suits him.

“So you know about me, Robert. Why don’t you tell me a little about you?”

“About me?”

“What makes Robert Robert?” Thomas asked, with an elaborate hand gesture.

Robert’s eyes looked distant for a moment, “Well actually, that name was given to me by somebody else. Someone I guided away a long time ago.”

Thomas wanted to ask who. The question was banging on the back of his teeth but Robert looked, well, he looked a bit sad. So instead he asked, “How old are you?”

“I don’t know. I lost count.”

“Oh, I had no idea you were a senior citizen.”

“Looks can be deceiving,” a small smile was playing on Robert’s lips now. Thomas liked that expression on his face.

“Was that a joke?” 

“…Only if it was funny.”

Thomas was startled into laughter. A man was practically walking on the edge of the sidewalk to avoid Thomas, which really only made him laugh more.

“Okay, tell me more. Where do you come from? Where’s your home?”

“I don’t have one. All I do is guide souls. I go from one place to another guiding souls to the afterlife. It keeps me busy, people die all the time.”

“Sounds boring. No offence.”

“It usually is.”

“But at least you know what your purpose is. You’ve never had to question you’re existence, you know, because you know exactly what you have to do.”

“Isn’t that part of the experience though? Someone once didn’t want to let go of life even though he knew he was dead. He didn’t have much at all but he told me they, he and his boyfriend, were happy and that I could ‘go fuck myself’. He felt I was robbing him of life but he was _already dead_. I didn’t know what he wanted me to do,” Robert looked a bit frustrated then.

“He got angry at you? But you didn’t kill him?”

“No, I didn’t. But he just wanted to take his frustration out on someone and I was the only one available.”

They fell into silence then. Thomas thought of who this man might be. It’s a sad thing that he couldn’t get to live out his life with his boyfriend but to blame Robert, what an ass.

“He was wrong for blaming you.”

Robert shrugged, “At first, I was upset. I was only trying to do my job but then he started crying and I started to understand why he lashed out. He was upset about losing his boyfriend. Everybody leaves somebody behind.”

“Do you think I’m making a mistake then?”

Robert hesitated before replying, “Yes, I do. I cannot speak about suicide generally because I don’t know what life is like for everyone, but I’ve known you for longer than anyone else. I saw the pictures in your mother’s house from before your father passed away. You looked happy. And then you received a message from your friend…then earlier, when we were waiting in line for ice-cream, you seemed happier. I think that you have a lot to live for, Thomas.”

Thomas’ vision grew blurry and he quickly wiped the unshed tears away. “I don’t know.”

Robert gave him a grin, “It’s up to you.”

Thomas nodded and decided, fuck it, and laid his head on Robert's shoulder.

#####  _I feel for you, but when did you believe you were alone  
Petrified of who you are and who you have become  
You will hide from everyone  
_

“Hey, man,” someone was shaking his shoulder. Thomas blearily opened his eyes. “Are you waiting for the train?”

“Uh…yeah, but it’s coming at 12,” he replied, his voice still groggy from the impromptu nap. He didn’t even remember falling asleep. His body must be exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster of life lately, not to mention getting out of bed before lunch time.

“That’s in fifteen minutes. You should buy your ticket if you haven’t already. And also, man, you should not sleep outside alone.”

“I’m not alone. I have –”

“What’re you talking about?”

But Thomas didn’t hear him because he was actually alone. Where was Robert? He had been there before Thomas took an unexpected nap, unless Robert wasn’t actually real. Had he just been in Thomas’ imagination? He wouldn’t accept that.

“Dammit, no. Robert!” Thomas called out, his head spinning on a swivel as he searched for a head of black hair. Robert would be easy to spot in a crowd but he wasn’t here. “Robert?”

“Are you okay, man?”

“No. I need to find Robert.”

“Okay, I’ll help you look for him,” the kind man offered, “What does he look like?”

Thomas almost began describing him before he remembered that the guy wouldn’t even be able to find Robert in an empty room. “No. That won’t help.”

He made to move away but the man grabbed his forearm and asked tentatively, “Are you sure you’re not on something, man?”

“No!” Thomas ripped his arm out of the man’s grip. “I need to find Robert.”

Thomas stumbled away and into the street. His memory of what happened next was blurry at best. He only remembered hearing someone yell “Hey, watch out!” and the loud honking of a car and then nothing else.

Thomas was spun around and all he could see was blue. Was that the sky?

“– you okay? Thomas?”

“Robert?” it was his blue eyes, not the sky. The distant clouds had rolled in and the sky was overcast now, nothing like the brilliant blue of Robert’s eyes. The relief Thomas felt weakened his knees. “You’re back.”

“Thomas, what are you doing? You nearly died.”

The guy from earlier returned, “Hey man, do you need me to take you the hospital?”

“What? No, I’m f-fine. I need…I need to go.”

Thomas was not fine. He was shaking still. The driver of the car had pulled over and was stalking towards him. Thomas looked around with wide eyes and noticed that everybody was looking at him. He couldn’t help but feel like a cornered animal. He grabbed Robert’s wrist and walked in the opposite direction of the car driver. Robert followed him quietly, seemingly at a loss for words. Thomas stomped onwards, ignoring the yells coming from behind them.

“Where did you go?” Thomas demanded when they were far away from the station. He stopped walking and turned to face Robert. It was probably irrational of him, but he felt a bit betrayed. “When I woke up, you were gone?”

Robert sighed, “Thomas, I am a Guide. I appear near people who are close to death. You fell asleep and before I knew it, I was somewhere else.”

Thomas belatedly realized that Robert’s wrist was still in his grip so he let go and stuffed his hands in his hoodie pockets, “So what you’re saying is that I was far from death when I fell asleep?”

“Yes. But then you nearly got knocked by that car.” “And then I was close to death. Again,” Thomas mumbled, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Robert’s voice sounded off though.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” Robert wouldn’t meet his eyes.

Thomas frowned at the quick answer but decided to drop it and resume walking. “Have you ever had to wait so long for someone to die before?”

“No, I haven’t,” replied Robert.

Thomas laughed a little, but it sounded hollow even to his own ears, “Sorry. I’ll try to get it right next time. Third time’s the charm, right?”

Robert nodded but didn’t say anything further, seemingly lost inside his mind. As if it could sense the awkward silence, Thomas’ phone began ringing. It was his mom.

“Hey,” he answered.

“Are you doing okay? You woke up really early today.”

Apparently, his mother’s parental instincts were still top notch. He had almost died. Thomas blinked at the realization that he would’ve died had Robert not saved his life. Hadn’t that been what Robert had been waiting for all day long?

“Thomas?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m actually, well, I’m out with a friend.”

“Oh really?” Thomas wasn’t sure how to feel about his mother’s obvious surprise. “Is it Manuel? You know he worries.”

“Uh…”

“Oh, sorry, Thomas. I have to go. Work never ends and I was just calling to check in. There are leftovers in the fridge when you get home. Love you. Bye.”

“Bye, mom.”

The call ended and the two continued on in silence and Thomas then realized that this would be a long walk home. He’d gone in the wrong direction in his haste to get away from the train station so they’d have to double back. As they walked, the wind began to pick up. Thomas hunched his shoulders to escape the chilly breeze and tried to stuff his hands deeper into his pockets.

“Would you like my jacket?”

“Huh?” was Thomas’ eloquent reply.

“My jacket? You’re cold?”

“And you? Oh, right, you can’t feel the cold. Thanks.” Thomas felt weird wearing a coat over his old comfy clothes, but it was warm and it was Robert’s.

“You’re right, I don’t feel anything. Just you,” but Robert had spoken into a gust of wind, which drowned out his words.

“What?”

He shook his head, “Nothing.”

#####  _Sometimes we will die and sometimes we will fly away  
Either way, you’re by my side until my dying days  
And if I’m not there and I’m far away  
I said, “Don’t be afraid.”  
I said, “Don’t be afraid. We’re going home.”  
_

“If I made lunch, would you be able to eat it?”

They had arrived at Thomas’ house and he was contemplating eating, although he didn’t have much of an appetite currently.

Robert shrugged, “I don’t think so. But I don’t need food after all, I don’t get hungry.”

“Oh. Well, never mind then. Let’s go to my room and you can help me brainstorm another way to die.”

Robert didn’t reply but Thomas kept moving, determined to stay close to death this time. He grudgingly took Robert’s jacket off and hung it over the back of his chair. When he looked up, Robert was standing awkwardly in the centre of the room.

“So, any ideas?” Thomas asked as he fell like a limp noodle on his bed, long limbs sprawled everywhere. “You should be more familiar with death than me. I could go back to the train station later, maybe tomorrow. I still think that would be a good way to go. What do you think? Sit, you’re making me uncomfortable.”

Unlike before, Robert went to sit on the edge of Thomas’ bed. “It’s all up to you. I’ve already told you what I think.”

Thomas bit his lip and sat up then, crossing his legs to make more room for Robert. He hadn’t thought that Robert would actually sit on his bed but he wasn’t complaining. “That I shouldn’t do it?”

Robert shuffled over a bit so that he wasn’t just awkwardly balanced on one ass cheek. He responded when he was comfortably seated on the bed, “There’s still a lot you can do, Thomas.”

Thomas pulled his pillow into his lap and fiddled with the edge of the pillowcase, “Then why haven’t I done it yet? It’s because I can’t.”

Robert was quiet for a second. He seemed conflicted but finally he spoke, “You’re the only one putting so much pressure on yourself. Today, you thought you were going to die so you didn’t care about anything – whether people thought you were insane didn’t even bother you – and you had fun, at least it looked that way.”

“I _did_ have fun. With you. Then you left because I was far from death.”

“I left because –”

“Yes, I know! Because you’re a Guide. It’s your job. And even now, you’re only here because it’s your job to be here."

“It’s my job to guide souls, yes, but it isn’t my job to sit and listen to you speak and eat ice-cream –”

“Oh, sorry then! _Sorry_ for burdening you with my problems.”

“Let me finish speaking!” Robert raised his voice and Thomas’ mouth snapped shut at the unexpected volume, “Doing those things – listening, giving advice, having ice-cream – that isn’t in my job description but I did it because I wanted to. Wanting things isn’t in my job description either. Someone dies then I show up and guide them, then somebody else dies and I’m gone. That is how it usually goes, but Thomas, I pulled you away from that car without thinking twice about it. That is the _opposite_ of my job. I want to be here. I want to help you. I want to listen to you –”Thomas surged forward and planted a bruising kiss against Robert’s lips. Thomas could feel wetness at his eyes. Robert’s words touched his heart and he couldn’t control the impulse to just plant one on him. They didn’t move, didn’t touch each other, they just sat there with their lips pressed together.

Thomas pulled away first, looking both pleased and embarrassed, “Was that your first kiss?”

Robert looked overwhelmed but he still nodded and his fingers twitched.

Thomas darted forward again and pressed another peck to his lips and smirked as he said, “Well there’s your second.”

“And your third,” he said as he kept count.

By then, Robert couldn’t keep the smile off his face and Thomas was smiling too. He’d been waiting all day to do that. He felt comfortable around Robert. Although he hadn’t known him long, he could show Robert a side of himself that he didn’t want to show to those he’d known basically forever. There were no false pretenses between them.

This time, when he kissed Robert, it wasn’t just innocent butterfly kisses. His hands raked through Robert’s perfect hair and he felt a thrill messing up the style. Robert’s right hand moved to Thomas’ cheek, caressing his skin. Thomas sucked Robert’s bottom lip into his mouth and nibbled softly. He reveled in the noise Robert made. Before he could slip his tongue into Robert’s mouth, Robert pulled back. Thomas thought perhaps it was too much, Robert was clearly feeling in-over-his-head regarding his feelings.

Robert’s eyes were still closed and Thomas studied him, from his disheveled hair to the blush on his cheeks and his lips. Thomas was so tempted to dive right in again but he resisted. Robert had a crinkle between his eyebrows and was panting lightly between them.

“Robert?”

Thomas found himself drowning in blue when Robert opened his eyes, but he would gladly submerge. He couldn’t look away from Robert even if he wanted to.

“Thomas, let’s – can we lay down?”

“Sure,” and Thomas put his pillow down and scooted over. The two arranged their limbs until they were comfortable – with Robert on his back and Thomas lying with this chin on Robert’s chest, studying him still, “Something wrong?”

“That was – that was good. But I –”

“No, I get it. This is all new to you. We can just talk, that’s fine. I’m not gonna jump your bones,” Thomas smiled and laid his head on Robert’s chest.

“Thank you.” And the way Robert said that hinted at him meaning more than just for Thomas’ understanding.

“Tell me what the afterlife is like,” requested Thomas.

“I’ll show you. When we get there, we’ll see it together.”

“Tease,” Thomas slapped Robert’s side playfully, “So if I go there, you’ll stay?”

Robert’s hesitation was an answer in and of itself, “I wouldn’t be able to stay. I’m not in control of where I am at all times.”

The two lapsed into silence. The gravity of the situation weighed them down but they held onto each other. Thomas felt like he could drift off again, but he stubbornly stayed awake, listening to the steady rhythm of Robert’s breathing, trying to find words.

“So what are we going to do?”

After an indefinite amount of time, Robert spoke tentatively, “You could do something involving horses. I saw those pictures of you horse-back riding when you were younger. And look, you have a horse calendar on your wall. From three years ago.”

Thomas stayed quiet, mulling the words over. He hadn’t set foot near a horse in years. He missed it. Riding used to be his favourite thing to do, a hobby he and his dad shared. Maybe Robert was right, maybe working with horses would be like having a part of his father there with him.

“Thomas, I meant it when I said you could do whatever you want to.”

“Can I do you then?”

“Thomas!” Robert hissed. His face was easily comparable to a tomato just then.

#####  _Help me darling, now I’m feeling so lost  
With you, I see the world completely different  
With you, I need no place to hide  
_

Thomas was in a weird limbo between being asleep and awake when he felt his head drop. That startled him into full wakefulness. Robert had gone away again. Thomas heaved a deep sigh. Was this all it was ever going to be? He was tired and he just wanted to cuddle. He just wanted Robert.

He looked out the window but the dark clouds clogging the sky made it difficult to estimate the time.

“Whatever.”

Just like that same morning, he got off his bed and fetched the box out from under his bed. The razors were still in the same place they were that morning. That morning, when he was in such a fragile state of mind that he was willing to say goodbye to everything. Now, there was only one thing he had to say goodbye to.

A sense of déjà vu overcame him when he held the blade to his wrist, bringing him closer to death once more.

“Oh, Thomas.”

Familiar hands cradled his, removing the blade and putting it back in the box. Thomas rushed forward and buried his face in Robert’s neck, breathing in deeply. Robert’s arms winded themselves around Thomas’ waist and he in turn put his around Robert’s neck. Thomas’ knees were pressed to the hard wood but he couldn’t care less.

“I know I have to let go of you,” Thomas whispered. It seemed as though anything too loud would break the moment. “The more I’m around you, the happier I feel but the happier I feel, the further I am from death.”

“I wish it were different,” said Robert, and his voice sounded pained. They held onto each other tightly.

“Robert, I don’t know how but you made me feel more like myself today than I have in a long time. Nobody else could bring me back but you did. You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to. Listen, Thomas, you deserve happiness. And you’ll be happy without me. You have your mother and your friends. They haven’t given up on you either. Let them back in. You and I – it wouldn’t work.”

“I know but, fuck I wish it would. I really like you, Robert.”

“Hey,” Robert pulled back and held Thomas’ face in his hands, forcing him to meet his eyes, “I’m going to show you the afterlife one day, but one day far from now. And I’ll be thinking of you until then and even after.”

Thomas let out a half-laugh-half-sob, “You’re such a romantic. I’ll just be the one who got away.”

Robert’s smile was unbearably fond and he leaned in. Their fifth kiss was long and tender, neither one wanting to pull away and face the ugly truth of a goodbye. Robert’s hands cushioned Thomas’ face while his were fisted in Robert’s shirt. Theirs was a chance at love cut short.

Thomas opened his eyes when Robert eventually pulled away. He watched as Robert rose fluidly before getting the memo and standing up too. They looked at each other for a moment, not sure what to do before coming together again with the force of a wave at high tide. They held each other until Thomas could feel nothing against him but air.

#####  _But then I remember when you packed my car  
You reached in the back and buckled up your heart  
For me to drive away with  
_

Thomas sighed. He looked around his room, feeling lost for a moment before dragging his hand through his hair. He planted his ass on his bed, not really sure what to do before he saw the coat still draped around his chair. He tripped in his haste to reach his desk. He reached out, afraid that it would disappear the second he touched it, but the coat was solid. It was real. He felt along the dark fabric and smiled, though it was paper thin.

“Thank you,” his voice barely came out beyond the knot in his throat but it needed to be said although nobody was around to hear him.

With a new sense of purpose, he spun around and picked up the box containing the razors. He took out each one of them, studied them before he rushed downstairs and threw them in the trash.

“I won’t be needing those anymore."

He trudged upstairs and lay on his bed, scanning the ceiling. Everything had come full circle and were it not for the coat on his chair and the warmth in his chest, Thomas would question whether today had even been real. He reached into his pocket and checked the time on his phone. It was 4:00pm. He dialed a number, praying that he would pick up. He didn’t deserve an answer, he knew, but he wished that there was still a chance to mend what he had broken. As the dial tones kept ringing, he was prepared to hear the voicemail but then someone picked up on the other end. 

“Thomas?”

#####  _I’ve gone for too long living like I’m not alive  
So I’m going to start over tonight  
Beginning with you and I  
_

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this, you made it to the end. You're welcome to leave kudos or a comment if you enjoyed it. Right, so Robert didn't solve all of Thomas' issues. What he's going through is internal and five years of pent up emotions can't be undone in a day but he did help him realize that he has people who can help him when Robert's not there. So it isn't the typical 'and they lived happily ever after' because life is never like that but it's hopeful. 
> 
> The soundtrack in order of appearance:  
> • Paramore – Miracle  
> • The Offspring – Days Go By  
> • Twenty One Pilots – Friend, please  
> • Twenty One Pilots – Taxi Cab  
> • Wallows – Let the Sun In  
> • Twenty One Pilots – A car, a torch, a death  
> • Paramore - Miracle


End file.
